The Type: The Smug Newlywed
- Profile Picture: A klassy black and white shot of the new bride on her wedding day, staring tenderly into the eyes of her best friend and lovah
- Status: It’s an Hermes and Tiffany’s birthday! My hubby is beyond.
- Translation: I am willing to overlook the fact that my hubby thinks my clitoris is two inches south of where it really is because his bank account is beyond.
The Type: The 28-Year-Old Woman-Child
- Profile Picture: Splashing around in tropical waters and looking so damn carefree you kind of wish she would drown
- Status: Just saw that there’s another snowpocolypse hitting the Northeast. So glad I’m sitting on the beach drinking something frozen right now. It’s a rough life, but someone’s gotta live it!
- Translation: Thank God I don’t have one of those “real jobs” and all the stress that comes along with it. I just have a buttload of credit card debt, absolutely no direction in life, and a big blue ocean to absorb my tears. Waiter, a third Margarita please!
The Type: Very Busy and Very Important
- Profile Picture: Dancing on a bar, rocking duck lips and/or a peace sign. Extra points if she’s wearing oversized sunglasses at night in a completely serious way.
- Status: ZOMG big week ahead: Gaga concert on Tuesday, dinner with the girls at the impossible to get into new sushi spot on Wednesday, private DVF sample sale on Thursday (thanks, Becca!), then mani/pedis and Lizzie’s b-day brunch on Saturday.
- Translation: Dear popular girls from middle and high school who refused to let me eat at your lunch table and told everyone that I smelled like onions, Check out how VIP my life is now.
The Type: In a Relationship and Flaunting It
- Profile Picture: A close up of her boyfriend kissing her on the cheek. That she took herself.
- Status: Above an uploaded picture of a dozen roses: “Flowers from the sweetest boyfriend in the world.”
- Translation: Did you hear? I have a boyfriend. So not a big deal or anything but I just wanted everyone to know that I’m not some single loser and I have one. A boyfriend, that is.
The Type: The Easy-Breezy New Mommy
- Profile Picture: Her totes adorbs bundle of joy
- Status: Everyone told me I was going to get zero sleep these first few months of parenthood, but little Matty is just so amazing and lets his Momma get eight solid hours every single night!
- Translation: Lack of zzzs has made me delusional to the point that I really think this is true. Did I also mention that Little Matty was born potty-trained and bilingual? Yup-sir-ee!